Trauma and Pride

Of piano.
Trauma or phobia? I don't know. Both bah.

I know it's freaking insane for me to say this. Trauma of piano? Pianophobia? If you're reading this, you can't believe that there is someone out there will dislike or even hate piano right? Yea, but I was. [ Was.. ]

Back to last year November. After HSC final examination, my life was like hell. 2 weeks after the last paper, I have to sit for the freaking-madness-hate piano exam. What what performer's certificate, what what diploma. I was superbbbbb regret that I decided to sit for the exam. Practice and practice. Damn.
Well, I did not practice like mad for the 2 weeks, the precious 2-weeks that determine whether I win or I lose, fail or pass. But I didn't even care about it. I HATE PIANO. During that two weeks, I stayed at home all the while. Not to practice full time though. Just stay at home. I still remember, when I started to sit in front of the piano from around 2pm, I clearly knew the television programs. GuessGuessGuess, Taiwan AhCheng, TongXinYuan and others, I watched all! There will be few minutes of advertisements after every 15 mins of the show, and during the few minutes time of advertisements, I play the piano. When the show starts, I watch. This was how the progress of practicing piano for me, for the 2 weeks time. Cried and cried and cried everyday. I even told my mom I hate piano so much. I told her I never hate piano that much, until I took the diploma. When I was sitting for Grade 8's practical exam, I never hate piano, but I practiced so hard. I think it hurts my mom. She paid so much for me to learn, want me to be talented, and I told her I hate piano in return. She told me nevermind if I fail. What was in mind is that, "fail jiu fail lah, die jiu die lah." Well prepared to fail. Went to piano lessons, almost every lesson get scolded. Teacher kindly arranged more and more lessons for me, and I don't have to pay for the extras. And during that 2 weeks, I didn't even smile during the lessons, showing the black face all the while. Teacher complained to my mom, not much improvement, black face, blablablabla.. So what? I've been thinking of how to avoid myself to attend the exam. Hand broken, accident, .... To me, it was a torture. I was a freaking pessimistic person that time.
I woke up late in the morning on the exam day. Purposely. Normally people will try to practice until they satisfied before they go for the exam. I played once, through all the 4 pieces. ONCE. And that's all. Went to my bed, and laid down. Waiting for the time to pass until the time to prepare myself. I fetched Jeann together, reached CityBayview Hotel. Jeann is going to take the same exam as me too. I went in first. I was supposed to be in the room for 40 minutes, but end up I came out after 20 minutes, after finishing all the 4 pieces. One by memorise. It's fast. I wonder what can I do for the if I were have to stay in the room for 40 minutes. I was supposed to finish my exam at 3pm. Teacher messaged me, " How? Die bui? " She scared I will fail. I called her, saying both of us have come out from the hotel. She was shocked. I told her, " Die liao." I promised to myself I would never take any piano examination anymore.
4 days after the exam, I got a message from teacher again. " Fail liao." Something like that. And I gave a call to Jeann first. She told me we have passed. BOTH. I guessed teacher was wondering how come I didn't call her after I saw the message. She called me back, she was so happy. But me? Er.. I forgot what's my feeling that time. Not too much of excitement. Bah.

After the exam, I didn't play piano at all. Last for half year, more than 6 months. Trauma. My dad did ask me before, whether I still wanna take any piano exam or not. I replied, “打死我也不会再去考.” It hurts?! But he knows I would never too. I told my teacher too when I met her during my brother's piano examination few weeks ago. She said she doesn't want to teach diploma students too. Trauma?! Lol. Sometimes I'm wondering, why am I so useless. There are so many people out there wanted to learn piano. They admire those who know how to play piano so much. But I'm totally different. Trauma. I know, but I don't wanna play. Maybe there are some that slightly-little-bit dislike piano b'cuz of pressure, but I don't think they are that much as me. When my friends heard that I hate piano before, they were so shocked, and showed me an unbelieveble look. Hell. People wouldn't understand you if they never put themselves in your shoes. This is what I understood. That's why I never regret for hating piano for that short period. I back to seat 2 months ago. I play, though not too much, but at least I play.

After 9 months, finally I received the certificate from Trinity College London.
Pride.

For this moment, I am blessed that I know it.
Forever. Parents will always provide children with the best.
Thanks to my parents.
Love.